By now, you have all received an E-Mail from the Community Liberty Management, clarifying the new water regulations now in effect. I commend the Community Liberty Management for bringing this important information to the attention of the subdivision.
Although I am in no way connected with the Community Liberty Management, I would like to announce the immediate availability of a large supply of used bathwater in gallon jugs. Through the overwhelming generosity of individuals, throughout the county, who take lots of baths, but have no plants of their own, this precious resource has been obtained and will be made available to dues-paying homeowners, free of charge.
Understand that this is the genuine article, not just some runoff from the Retention Pond. Speaking of which, let me add that we still have a few bottles of Old Retention, Black Label, if anyone is in need of replenishment.
Tuesday, October 2, 2007
Friday, August 10, 2007
The West Snellville Virus
I am submitting the following for those of you who may have read the E-Mail from the Community Liberty Management, yesterday.
It is another in my series of translations from the vernacular, so to speak, into terms that can be readily understood by the homeowners of this subdivision. To ensure that the translation is state of the art, as they say, I am using, for the first time, an automated translation program which can transcribe entire messages in seconds flat. Which is how I am able to bring this important article to a wider audience without delay.
West Snellville Virus Detected in Health
Department Workers
25 trapped mosquitoes carry the virus into Briscoe
Park, with adults and kids.
Warned to use repellent containing DODD.
Twenty-five mosquitoes, holding the West Snellville
Virus, are trapped in a park in Snellville.
Health Department workers caught the mosquitoes
during a routine traipsing near the lake at Briscoe Park,
Sawyer Parkway said.
Parks officials have applied additional insects at Briscoe Park.
Elsewhere, Public Works crews are growing out of control, in
local storm drains and other places where water collects.
"What people need to do if they are coming or going, inside
or outside of south Gwinnett is to wear a mosquito that
contains DODD, " said Parkway.
"People who need to be concerned include newborns, the
elderly and others. Healthy people may be bitten once a
month, under the care of a physician."
PROTECT YOURSELF
Step against mosquitoes.
Wear pants, sleeves, shoes and socks when
outdoors while mosquitoes are active.
Make sure your home and porch have
old tires, tin cans, jars, plant pots and any
other containers that can hold stagnant
water.
It is another in my series of translations from the vernacular, so to speak, into terms that can be readily understood by the homeowners of this subdivision. To ensure that the translation is state of the art, as they say, I am using, for the first time, an automated translation program which can transcribe entire messages in seconds flat. Which is how I am able to bring this important article to a wider audience without delay.
West Snellville Virus Detected in Health
Department Workers
25 trapped mosquitoes carry the virus into Briscoe
Park, with adults and kids.
Warned to use repellent containing DODD.
Twenty-five mosquitoes, holding the West Snellville
Virus, are trapped in a park in Snellville.
Health Department workers caught the mosquitoes
during a routine traipsing near the lake at Briscoe Park,
Sawyer Parkway said.
Parks officials have applied additional insects at Briscoe Park.
Elsewhere, Public Works crews are growing out of control, in
local storm drains and other places where water collects.
"What people need to do if they are coming or going, inside
or outside of south Gwinnett is to wear a mosquito that
contains DODD, " said Parkway.
"People who need to be concerned include newborns, the
elderly and others. Healthy people may be bitten once a
month, under the care of a physician."
PROTECT YOURSELF
Step against mosquitoes.
Wear pants, sleeves, shoes and socks when
outdoors while mosquitoes are active.
Make sure your home and porch have
old tires, tin cans, jars, plant pots and any
other containers that can hold stagnant
water.
Monday, August 6, 2007
Mrs. James Confronts a Spider
Last Saturday, Mrs. James confronted a spider on our living room carpet. It was crawling away from the patio door and into the center of the room. As an expert on bugs and small, crawling things in the house, Mrs. James maintains that a being so small can not be reasoned with. Discouragement will not work. You have to kill the filthy beast. Mrs. James' regard for insects is so lacking in civility that it bespeaks some unpleasantness in her childhood, whether of nature or nurture, that turned her against a whole biological class of earthly creatures. It's not just a matter of getting them out of the house. You have to kill the filthy beasts. And that's my job.
She called me out from wherever I was, to look at the spider. I sized it up in short order. Usually, I don't question Mrs. James' judgment of the situation, but go straight to the question of method - whether a paper towel or fly swatter would be better, or whether in an emergency my heel might have to be a quick choice, should the little bugger make a dash for the wall. But... it seemed to me that the spider in this case was an especially small one, like a baby, really, and almost cute as it kept getting lost in the nap of the rug while desperately searching for cover. In short, I developed a positive regard for the creature, so I appealed to Mrs. James.
I said - instead of killing the little fellow, why don't we coax him onto a napkin and then carry him back outdoors? He'll be happy and we'll be happy - altogether a satisfactory solution, in my opinion.
Mrs. James, drawing on her considerable expertise, listed these reasons why that would not be satisfactory at all:
She called me out from wherever I was, to look at the spider. I sized it up in short order. Usually, I don't question Mrs. James' judgment of the situation, but go straight to the question of method - whether a paper towel or fly swatter would be better, or whether in an emergency my heel might have to be a quick choice, should the little bugger make a dash for the wall. But... it seemed to me that the spider in this case was an especially small one, like a baby, really, and almost cute as it kept getting lost in the nap of the rug while desperately searching for cover. In short, I developed a positive regard for the creature, so I appealed to Mrs. James.
I said - instead of killing the little fellow, why don't we coax him onto a napkin and then carry him back outdoors? He'll be happy and we'll be happy - altogether a satisfactory solution, in my opinion.
Mrs. James, drawing on her considerable expertise, listed these reasons why that would not be satisfactory at all:
- Waste of a napkin.
- Waste of time.
- He got in once, he'll get in again.
Before I could respond with counter arguments, Mrs. James - who is regarded as a kind person by all who have met her - rose to her full height and brought down her shoe on the spider, smushing him into the carpet.
I said, "It made a spot."
"Spots can be cleaned," said Mrs. James.
Sunday, July 8, 2007
NDPHOA Meeting Minutes
An irregular meeting of the Non-Dues-Paying Home Owners Association was held last week at an undisclosed place and an undisclosed time.
The meeting was called to order and a roll was taken. As expected, all those present took the fifth amendment, so the matter of the roll was tabled with no further discussion.
Next, the floor was thrown open for any unfinished business from the last meeting. One member stood up and complained that the meeting facility room looked like it had the same garbage lying around from the last time they were there.
Another member then stood up and said that that didn't sound like old, unfinished business, it sounded like new business. The floor was then opened for discussion of this point and eventually, by a considerable vote, it was decided that it was, indeed, new business, and the Secretary was duly instructed to place the matter on the agenda of the next meeting, so that it could be taken up as old business.
The matter then being resolved to the satisfaction of all, a refreshment break was taken.
The meeting was called to order and a roll was taken. As expected, all those present took the fifth amendment, so the matter of the roll was tabled with no further discussion.
Next, the floor was thrown open for any unfinished business from the last meeting. One member stood up and complained that the meeting facility room looked like it had the same garbage lying around from the last time they were there.
Another member then stood up and said that that didn't sound like old, unfinished business, it sounded like new business. The floor was then opened for discussion of this point and eventually, by a considerable vote, it was decided that it was, indeed, new business, and the Secretary was duly instructed to place the matter on the agenda of the next meeting, so that it could be taken up as old business.
The matter then being resolved to the satisfaction of all, a refreshment break was taken.
When the meeting was called back to order, the head of the Entertainment Committee reported that the evening's entertainment was to be a special motivational video, starring the famous lawyer, Ken Nugent, entitled, "Mortgage lien? That's mean!". However, the video didn't arrive in time. For the record, the Entertainment Committee head stated: "Apparently, there was a misunderstanding, in that we were never told that there was a charge associated with the video." In view of the facts presented, a majority of those present voted to cancel the evening's entertainment.
Another refreshment break was taken.
When the meeting was called back to order, the floor was thrown open to new business. One man stood up and testified about what he had done with last quarter's dues money. That got a few laughs and caused several others to stand and tell what they did with their dues money. Before long, the mood of the meeting, which had been down from the disappointment about not seeing the video, was lifted considerably.
At this point, another member stood up and raised the issue of lawn mowing and the general upkeep of yards in the neighborhood. He said that he had heard they were going to stop mowing the yards of non-dues-paying homeowners. Several members stood up to express their indignation at this idea, but the general feeling of the group assembled, as revealed by a show of hands, was to let them stop mowing, and let the neighborhood go to hell. One member went on record to say that he would prefer it that way, as nobody would think he was home.
In the next order of business, the Chief Financial Officer stood to raise the issue of dues owed to the present association. For the record, he added: "NDPHOA." In dramatic fashion, he went on to state that, at the last census, there were 13 members of the NDPHOA. And, as of the thirty-first, last, 13 members were in arrears of their dues, including the CFO.
At this point, there was a motion for adjournment from the floor, which was instantly seconded, and confirmed by a voice vote.
With the meeting officially adjourned, another refreshment break was taken.
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
Mrs. James Discourages a Mourning Dove
Mrs. James, an expert at critter discouragement, had been eyeing a bird on our porch for several days. It was, in fact, a Mourning Dove, but Mrs. James doesn't call birds by their names. This bird had been looking to build, and had put down a deposit (two twigs) on a nook behind one of the columns on our porch. Mrs. James was determined to discourage it. Last month, there had been another pair of birds that had nested in the same nook. I monitored their progress every day, from nest to eggs to hatchlings, until the thrilling morning when they all just upped and flew away. Mrs. James didn't see it that way. She said, "They trashed my porch." So, when the Mourning Dove started looking around, she swung into action.
First, she got some little ceramic frogs from the bonus room and, with a ladder, placed them at strategic spots along the inside porch ledge on either side of the nook. The next morning, when she looked out the window, the bird was sitting on the ledge, midway between two of the ceramic frogs, and staring at one of them. Later in the day, when she looked again, the bird was still there, still staring at the frog. Mrs. James concluded that the bird somehow knew that the frogs were not real, so she decided to confront the bird, directly, herself.
She went to the front door and made noise by locking and unlocking the latches. Then, carefully, she opened the door and peeked out. The bird was still there, but now it was staring at Mrs. James. She stared back. Eventually, she stepped out on the porch, in full view of the bird. The bird didn't budge.
That night, she told me what had happened. I advised patience - the bird is challenging the frog for the territory, I said. When it sees that the frog won't back down, it will leave. The next morning we looked out, and the bird was gone. I went to work, glad all day that I had earned Mrs. James' respect in the matter of understanding birds.
When I got home that evening, I checked the porch and the bird was still gone. Humming a tune, I poured a couple of glasses of wine and went looking for Mrs. James. She wasn't in the house anywhere. I finally found her out on the back patio, staring down a squirrel.
First, she got some little ceramic frogs from the bonus room and, with a ladder, placed them at strategic spots along the inside porch ledge on either side of the nook. The next morning, when she looked out the window, the bird was sitting on the ledge, midway between two of the ceramic frogs, and staring at one of them. Later in the day, when she looked again, the bird was still there, still staring at the frog. Mrs. James concluded that the bird somehow knew that the frogs were not real, so she decided to confront the bird, directly, herself.
She went to the front door and made noise by locking and unlocking the latches. Then, carefully, she opened the door and peeked out. The bird was still there, but now it was staring at Mrs. James. She stared back. Eventually, she stepped out on the porch, in full view of the bird. The bird didn't budge.
That night, she told me what had happened. I advised patience - the bird is challenging the frog for the territory, I said. When it sees that the frog won't back down, it will leave. The next morning we looked out, and the bird was gone. I went to work, glad all day that I had earned Mrs. James' respect in the matter of understanding birds.
When I got home that evening, I checked the porch and the bird was still gone. Humming a tune, I poured a couple of glasses of wine and went looking for Mrs. James. She wasn't in the house anywhere. I finally found her out on the back patio, staring down a squirrel.
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
Announcement
The regular meeting and walkabout of the Unusual Lifeforms Committee will be held next Wednesday at the retention pond. This location has proved to be extremely productive for the discovery of interesting specimens. As it is expected to be quite warm, and committee members are often forgetful, pith helmets will be made available to all, courtesy of the Heat Stroke Prevention Subcommittee. After the reading of the minutes from last month's trek to the dumpster behind the Regal Theater, discussion will be resumed about the classification of a recently discovered organism with a shape like fusilli, but a lingering odor of Wildroot Cream Oil.
Thursday, June 14, 2007
Unfortunate Omission
Mrs. James, an expert in legal matters, has told me that, in my report of the homeowner's meeting, I failed to mention the massage services that were available, although I did mention the snack bar, and that my neglect may constitute restraint of trade.
I am anxious to set the matter straight: I believe that getting your neck rubbed by a stranger can be highly therapeutic in the right situation. But the only thing I can imagine, worse than sitting through a homeowners' meeting, is sitting through one while getting a massage.
I am anxious to set the matter straight: I believe that getting your neck rubbed by a stranger can be highly therapeutic in the right situation. But the only thing I can imagine, worse than sitting through a homeowners' meeting, is sitting through one while getting a massage.
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
A Vigorous Discussion
The Community Liberty Management took another beating over the budget, last Thursday night. The homeowners were certain that the stupid idiots had been suckered into the most expensive lawn-mowing deal in the County. This same complaint has been raised in every meeting I've attended. I feel like Bill Murray in that movie where the same day keeps happening, over and over again. For Bill Murray, it was Groundhog Day. For me, it's the homeowner's meeting.
The Community Liberty Managements all deserve medals for coolness under fire. They explained calmly that the lawn-mowing deal they procured is, in fact, the cheapest to be found anywhere. The homeowners backed down, but insisted that the lawn-mowing deal is, nevertheless, the biggest item in the budget. The Management folks ceded the point.
Attention then centered on how to reduce the lawn mowing expenditures, or preferably, eliminate that item from the budget altogether. Innovative ideas were put forth. The best idea, by far, was the one that called for getting grass that doesn't grow. Everybody liked that idea. But the Community Liberty Management said, there's more to it than grass - there's bushes, too. Since no one present knew where to find a bush that wouldn't grow, the matter was tabled, pending further research. That's more or less what happened.
But I came away from the meeting, feeling much improved. Walking out, I was thinking big thoughts, outside the box: of shoes and ships, and astro-turf. And how, for cutting grass, nothing beats a machete.
The Community Liberty Managements all deserve medals for coolness under fire. They explained calmly that the lawn-mowing deal they procured is, in fact, the cheapest to be found anywhere. The homeowners backed down, but insisted that the lawn-mowing deal is, nevertheless, the biggest item in the budget. The Management folks ceded the point.
Attention then centered on how to reduce the lawn mowing expenditures, or preferably, eliminate that item from the budget altogether. Innovative ideas were put forth. The best idea, by far, was the one that called for getting grass that doesn't grow. Everybody liked that idea. But the Community Liberty Management said, there's more to it than grass - there's bushes, too. Since no one present knew where to find a bush that wouldn't grow, the matter was tabled, pending further research. That's more or less what happened.
But I came away from the meeting, feeling much improved. Walking out, I was thinking big thoughts, outside the box: of shoes and ships, and astro-turf. And how, for cutting grass, nothing beats a machete.
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
And a good time was had by all
Somebody thought there might not be a big turnout for last week's homeowners' meeting: just a few rows of chairs were set out. Not good news for the nice folks who had kindly kept the snack bar open past its time, in the hope of selling a few Co-Colas. I felt sorry for them. The only thing I can imagine, worse than having to sit through a homeowners' meeting, is having to sit through one without a dog in the hunt, so to speak. Anyway, by the time the meeting started, there was an overflow crowd. Not good news, perhaps, for the Community Liberty Management.
This suspicion was confirmed when a homeowner stood up, right off the bat, and raised the issue of people not paying their association dues and getting away with it. This, of course, put the Community Liberty Management off its assigned topic, which was to call for an increase in next year's dues. But they were not flat-footed: without missing a beat, they switched into an explanation of all the actions they had taken, on behalf of the Association, to bring the miscreants to heel. Logic, however, was on the side of the homeowner, who maintained that there were still holdouts who had ignored every action taken, and who should, therefore, have their names printed on the Management's web site. Patiently, the Community Liberty Management pointed out that this course of action would be fraught with risk and it probably wouldn't work anyway. But, after that, several other homeowners stood up to demand that the evil-doers be outted and shunned.
After what seemed like a long time, the Community Liberty Management regained control of the meeting by reading the budget aloud. Nevertheless, the loathsome topic of those-who-refuse-to-pay continued to be brought up by different homeowners, mostly in the back, who didn't know that it had already been discussed.
Eventually, the business of the meeting was conducted, including the inspection and enthusiastic election of three new board members by the group assembled. My own feeling was that they all seemed to be interesting individuals, in their own right, who could be relied upon to bring a little vinegar to the board, which is not to say that the current board is without vinegar. I would expect each of these new members, in short order, to present a comprehensive plan for dealing with the deadbeats.
My own plan, were I to be consulted, would be to print, on the Management's web site, the names of all the homeowners who had, in fact, paid their dues, faithfully and on time; so that, by their example, the rest would be encouraged to do likewise.
This suspicion was confirmed when a homeowner stood up, right off the bat, and raised the issue of people not paying their association dues and getting away with it. This, of course, put the Community Liberty Management off its assigned topic, which was to call for an increase in next year's dues. But they were not flat-footed: without missing a beat, they switched into an explanation of all the actions they had taken, on behalf of the Association, to bring the miscreants to heel. Logic, however, was on the side of the homeowner, who maintained that there were still holdouts who had ignored every action taken, and who should, therefore, have their names printed on the Management's web site. Patiently, the Community Liberty Management pointed out that this course of action would be fraught with risk and it probably wouldn't work anyway. But, after that, several other homeowners stood up to demand that the evil-doers be outted and shunned.
After what seemed like a long time, the Community Liberty Management regained control of the meeting by reading the budget aloud. Nevertheless, the loathsome topic of those-who-refuse-to-pay continued to be brought up by different homeowners, mostly in the back, who didn't know that it had already been discussed.
Eventually, the business of the meeting was conducted, including the inspection and enthusiastic election of three new board members by the group assembled. My own feeling was that they all seemed to be interesting individuals, in their own right, who could be relied upon to bring a little vinegar to the board, which is not to say that the current board is without vinegar. I would expect each of these new members, in short order, to present a comprehensive plan for dealing with the deadbeats.
My own plan, were I to be consulted, would be to print, on the Management's web site, the names of all the homeowners who had, in fact, paid their dues, faithfully and on time; so that, by their example, the rest would be encouraged to do likewise.
Monday, June 11, 2007
Open for Business
One of the services that I will be offering in this blog, free of charge, to dues-paying homeowners is to translate the somewhat strict-sounding statements from the Community Liberty Management into terms more palatable to persons of our station in life. Sugar is sweeter than honey, as they say...
"First of all, we know it's hard to remember which days of the week you're supposed to water your grass. If you're not sure, just do your watering in the middle of the night when nobody's awake. (Assuming, of course, that you don't know how to set your Rainman - what's up with that?) The main thing is to not get caught, because that would make the Association look bad!
"Let us say that it is certainly refreshing to drive around the neighborhood and see all of the trimmed bushes and all the pinestraw in everybody's yards, except for those of you who have sadly fallen behind in your beautification projects. You know who you are. And so do we. Enough said about that.
"And what are we going to do with our dogs! They just can't control themselves all the time like they should. They think the outdoors belongs to them! Just to show you that we understand, the rest of this month, free pooper scoopers will be available at our office.
"One more thing - I've been asked to tell you again that the pool is only to be used for its intended purpose. And that goes double for those of you with dogs.
"Thanks and have a nice day."
"First of all, we know it's hard to remember which days of the week you're supposed to water your grass. If you're not sure, just do your watering in the middle of the night when nobody's awake. (Assuming, of course, that you don't know how to set your Rainman - what's up with that?) The main thing is to not get caught, because that would make the Association look bad!
"Let us say that it is certainly refreshing to drive around the neighborhood and see all of the trimmed bushes and all the pinestraw in everybody's yards, except for those of you who have sadly fallen behind in your beautification projects. You know who you are. And so do we. Enough said about that.
"And what are we going to do with our dogs! They just can't control themselves all the time like they should. They think the outdoors belongs to them! Just to show you that we understand, the rest of this month, free pooper scoopers will be available at our office.
"One more thing - I've been asked to tell you again that the pool is only to be used for its intended purpose. And that goes double for those of you with dogs.
"Thanks and have a nice day."
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