The West Snellville Virus

I am submitting the following for those of you who may have read the E-Mail from the Community Liberty Management, yesterday.

It is another in my series of translations from the vernacular, so to speak, into terms that can be readily understood by the homeowners of this subdivision. To ensure that the translation is state of the art, as they say, I am using, for the first time, an automated translation program which can transcribe entire messages in seconds flat. Which is how I am able to bring this important article to a wider audience without delay.


West Snellville Virus Detected in Health
Department Workers

25 trapped mosquitoes carry the virus into Briscoe
Park, with adults and kids.

Warned to use repellent containing DODD.


Twenty-five mosquitoes, holding the West Snellville
Virus, are trapped in a park in Snellville.

Health Department workers caught the mosquitoes
during a routine traipsing near the lake at Briscoe Park,
Sawyer Parkway said.

Parks officials have applied additional insects at Briscoe Park.

Elsewhere, Public Works crews are growing out of control, in
local storm drains and other places where water collects.

"What people need to do if they are coming or going, inside
or outside of south Gwinnett is to wear a mosquito that
contains DODD, " said Parkway.

"People who need to be concerned include newborns, the
elderly and others. Healthy people may be bitten once a
month, under the care of a physician."

PROTECT YOURSELF

Step against mosquitoes.

Wear pants, sleeves, shoes and socks when
outdoors while mosquitoes are active.

Make sure your home and porch have
old tires, tin cans, jars, plant pots and any
other containers that can hold stagnant
water.

Mrs. James Confronts a Spider

Last Saturday, Mrs. James confronted a spider on our living room carpet. It was crawling away from the patio door and into the center of the room. As an expert on bugs and small, crawling things in the house, Mrs. James maintains that a being so small can not be reasoned with. Discouragement will not work. You have to kill the filthy beast. Mrs. James' regard for insects is so lacking in civility that it bespeaks some unpleasantness in her childhood, whether of nature or nurture, that turned her against a whole biological class of earthly creatures. It's not just a matter of getting them out of the house. You have to kill the filthy beasts. And that's my job.

She called me out from wherever I was, to look at the spider. I sized it up in short order. Usually, I don't question Mrs. James' judgment of the situation, but go straight to the question of method - whether a paper towel or fly swatter would be better, or whether in an emergency my heel might have to be a quick choice, should the little bugger make a dash for the wall. But... it seemed to me that the spider in this case was an especially small one, like a baby, really, and almost cute as it kept getting lost in the nap of the rug while desperately searching for cover. In short, I developed a positive regard for the creature, so I appealed to Mrs. James.

I said - instead of killing the little fellow, why don't we coax him onto a napkin and then carry him back outdoors? He'll be happy and we'll be happy - altogether a satisfactory solution, in my opinion.

Mrs. James, drawing on her considerable expertise, listed these reasons why that would not be satisfactory at all:

• Waste of a napkin.
• Waste of time.
• He got in once, he'll get in again.

Before I could respond with counter arguments, Mrs. James - who is regarded as a kind person by all who have met her - rose to her full height and brought down her shoe on the spider, smushing him into the carpet.

I said, "It made a spot."

"Spots can be cleaned," said Mrs. James.