Mrs. James Discourages a Mourning Dove

Mrs. James, an expert at critter discouragement, had been eyeing a bird on our porch for several days. It was, in fact, a Mourning Dove, but Mrs. James doesn't call birds by their names. This bird had been looking to build, and had put down a deposit (two twigs) on a nook behind one of the columns on our porch. Mrs. James was determined to discourage it. Last month, there had been another pair of birds that had nested in the same nook. I monitored their progress every day, from nest to eggs to hatchlings, until the thrilling morning when they all just upped and flew away. Mrs. James didn't see it that way. She said, "They trashed my porch." So, when the Mourning Dove started looking around, she swung into action.

First, she got some little ceramic frogs from the bonus room and, with a ladder, placed them at strategic spots along the inside porch ledge on either side of the nook. The next morning, when she looked out the window, the bird was sitting on the ledge, midway between two of the ceramic frogs, and staring at one of them. Later in the day, when she looked again, the bird was still there, still staring at the frog. Mrs. James concluded that the bird somehow knew that the frogs were not real, so she decided to confront the bird, directly, herself.

She went to the front door and made noise by locking and unlocking the latches. Then, carefully, she opened the door and peeked out. The bird was still there, but now it was staring at Mrs. James. She stared back. Eventually, she stepped out on the porch, in full view of the bird. The bird didn't budge.

That night, she told me what had happened. I advised patience - the bird is challenging the frog for the territory, I said. When it sees that the frog won't back down, it will leave. The next morning we looked out, and the bird was gone. I went to work, glad all day that I had earned Mrs. James' respect in the matter of understanding birds.

When I got home that evening, I checked the porch and the bird was still gone. Humming a tune, I poured a couple of glasses of wine and went looking for Mrs. James. She wasn't in the house anywhere. I finally found her out on the back patio, staring down a squirrel.

Announcement

The regular meeting and walkabout of the Unusual Lifeforms Committee will be held next Wednesday at the retention pond. This location has proved to be extremely productive for the discovery of interesting specimens. As it is expected to be quite warm, and committee members are often forgetful, pith helmets will be made available to all, courtesy of the Heat Stroke Prevention Subcommittee. After the reading of the minutes from last month's trek to the dumpster behind the Regal Theater, discussion will be resumed about the classification of a recently discovered organism with a shape like fusilli, but a lingering odor of Wildroot Cream Oil.

Unfortunate Omission

Mrs. James, an expert in legal matters, has told me that, in my report of the homeowner's meeting, I failed to mention the massage services that were available, although I did mention the snack bar, and that my neglect may constitute restraint of trade.

I am anxious to set the matter straight: I believe that getting your neck rubbed by a stranger can be highly therapeutic in the right situation. But the only thing I can imagine, worse than sitting through a homeowners' meeting, is sitting through one while getting a massage.

A Vigorous Discussion

The Community Liberty Management took another beating over the budget, last Thursday night. The homeowners were certain that the stupid idiots had been suckered into the most expensive lawn-mowing deal in the County. This same complaint has been raised in every meeting I've attended. I feel like Bill Murray in that movie where the same day keeps happening, over and over again. For Bill Murray, it was Groundhog Day. For me, it's the homeowner's meeting.

The Community Liberty Managements all deserve medals for coolness under fire. They explained calmly that the lawn-mowing deal they procured is, in fact, the cheapest to be found anywhere. The homeowners backed down, but insisted that the lawn-mowing deal is, nevertheless, the biggest item in the budget. The Management folks ceded the point.

Attention then centered on how to reduce the lawn mowing expenditures, or preferably, eliminate that item from the budget altogether. Innovative ideas were put forth. The best idea, by far, was the one that called for getting grass that doesn't grow. Everybody liked that idea. But the Community Liberty Management said, there's more to it than grass - there's bushes, too. Since no one present knew where to find a bush that wouldn't grow, the matter was tabled, pending further research. That's more or less what happened.

But I came away from the meeting, feeling much improved. Walking out, I was thinking big thoughts, outside the box: of shoes and ships, and astro-turf. And how, for cutting grass, nothing beats a machete.

And a good time was had by all

Somebody thought there might not be a big turnout for last week's homeowners' meeting: just a few rows of chairs were set out. Not good news for the nice folks who had kindly kept the snack bar open past its time, in the hope of selling a few Co-Colas. I felt sorry for them. The only thing I can imagine, worse than having to sit through a homeowners' meeting, is having to sit through one without a dog in the hunt, so to speak. Anyway, by the time the meeting started, there was an overflow crowd. Not good news, perhaps, for the Community Liberty Management.

This suspicion was confirmed when a homeowner stood up, right off the bat, and raised the issue of people not paying their association dues and getting away with it. This, of course, put the Community Liberty Management off its assigned topic, which was to call for an increase in next year's dues. But they were not flat-footed: without missing a beat, they switched into an explanation of all the actions they had taken, on behalf of the Association, to bring the miscreants to heel. Logic, however, was on the side of the homeowner, who maintained that there were still holdouts who had ignored every action taken, and who should, therefore, have their names printed on the Management's web site. Patiently, the Community Liberty Management pointed out that this course of action would be fraught with risk and it probably wouldn't work anyway. But, after that, several other homeowners stood up to demand that the evil-doers be outted and shunned.

After what seemed like a long time, the Community Liberty Management regained control of the meeting by reading the budget aloud. Nevertheless, the loathsome topic of those-who-refuse-to-pay continued to be brought up by different homeowners, mostly in the back, who didn't know that it had already been discussed.

Eventually, the business of the meeting was conducted, including the inspection and enthusiastic election of three new board members by the group assembled. My own feeling was that they all seemed to be interesting individuals, in their own right, who could be relied upon to bring a little vinegar to the board, which is not to say that the current board is without vinegar. I would expect each of these new members, in short order, to present a comprehensive plan for dealing with the deadbeats.

My own plan, were I to be consulted, would be to print, on the Management's web site, the names of all the homeowners who had, in fact, paid their dues, faithfully and on time; so that, by their example, the rest would be encouraged to do likewise.

Open for Business

One of the services that I will be offering in this blog, free of charge, to dues-paying homeowners is to translate the somewhat strict-sounding statements from the Community Liberty Management into terms more palatable to persons of our station in life. Sugar is sweeter than honey, as they say...

"First of all, we know it's hard to remember which days of the week you're supposed to water your grass. If you're not sure, just do your watering in the middle of the night when nobody's awake. (Assuming, of course, that you don't know how to set your Rainman - what's up with that?) The main thing is to not get caught, because that would make the Association look bad!

"Let us say that it is certainly refreshing to drive around the neighborhood and see all of the trimmed bushes and all the pinestraw in everybody's yards, except for those of you who have sadly fallen behind in your beautification projects. You know who you are. And so do we. Enough said about that.

"And what are we going to do with our dogs! They just can't control themselves all the time like they should. They think the outdoors belongs to them! Just to show you that we understand, the rest of this month, free pooper scoopers will be available at our office.

"One more thing - I've been asked to tell you again that the pool is only to be used for its intended purpose. And that goes double for those of you with dogs.

"Thanks and have a nice day."